Yes, I was scared to hold my baby for the first time

 “I was scared to hold my baby for the first time.” The moment I said these few words to people around me when I gave birth to my princess I had expert comments from so called relatives saying; “Oh no! You are Mom now; Tu nahi Pakdegi to kaun Pakdega.” It was definitely not a positive thing to hear on this happy day. I expected they would console me by saying; its ok there is always a first time or don’t worry you can do it. But wait; I was wrong; blame to my sharp ears; I overheard them saying; “huh bacha karne chali; pakda to jaata nahi.” Yes it hurts when a new mom hears all of this. I was just out of the labour room bearing the most unbearable pain and with a complete imbalance of hormones when the aunties around me welcome me with such words. Thankfully, my husband was there to keep me calm and ensured I ignored the aunties who were there in the hospital just to pass some time with their other relatives.

Yes, I admit that I was scared to hold my baby the first time in the hand and did not hold her for the first few days in the hospital but that simply did not mean I don’t love her. I was scared as I was weak; I got infected immediately after my delivery and I had innumerable medicines to cure the infection and was all the time on saline which made my hands swell like an elephant’s foot. Yes, I was scared to pick her up with my swollen hands and n number of needles as I did not wanted to hurt her with even the saline pipe. My shaky and swollen hands were not strong enough to hold her in my arms but I could not shut my eyes even when she was fast asleep. In spite of high doses of medicines and shaky hands; I ensured I woke up every half an hour just to see if she is fine; though she was born healthy. From “Do not Disturb while Sleeping” girl I was now a mother of a new born. I literally forgot the words “Do not Disturb while Sleeping.” I do not regret on not holding my kid for the few days as I know it was for her safety. So what happened at this time; my husband too was scared and nervous to pick up a new born; that is what he kept telling me during the last days of pregnancy.  But ‘Oh my God’ my eyes saw a miracle; he was the one who was roaming in the entire room with my daughter. I was the one who told him; relax she is yours now keep her in the cot. He did feed him with spoon as I had still not started lactating; he ensured she is cleaned by the nurses at regular intervals. When I had tears in my eyes thinking I am missing to hold my new born; he did console me by saying who said you cannot hold her; you did carry her for so long so now its my turn; you relax. While saying these words he use to keep my baby next to me to ensure I too can love her. So all the ladies who have the guilt of not holding their kids in hospital for the first few days; sit back and relax turn a deaf ear to relatives and say to yourself  “You are the one who carried the baby; it was not possible without you.”